Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Hurt I'm Handing Over...

Miscarriage. Uh, one word and the room just got quiet. I know, I know. It's her first blog & she talks about a touchy subject. A subject so touchy that women tuck it away & try to forget. I know, really I DO.

4 years ago...
January, the start to a new year for most but for me the reminder of what we don't have. A Baby. A baby who would have been turning 4 in just a few weeks. Another laughter to fill the house. Another hand to grasp. Another nose to wipe. Another child to hold close to my heart.

I can't stress enough about how much I believe, 'God has a plan for everything that happens'. But I always ask, why? Why Us? It was yanked away from us before we had a chance to realize we would even be parents. I can still feel the excitement of laying there for the ultra sound only to have my heart ripped out with the words "there's no more heart-beat". It's a pain I still feel so strongly today. It's something I blamed completely on myself then & to this day, still do. I obviously know it's not, there's nothing I could have done. It just wasn't meant at that time. I've told myself from that day 'God has other plans'.

Even as common as Miscarriage is I've tucked away the hurt. I've hidden all those memories on a shelf so high so I can't look at them. So I can't remember them. It's not something I've ever discussed with my friends or try to relive with my SO. It was an unexplainable low in our relationship. To show him the 20 pregnancy tests I took making sure, seeing that happiness in his eyes that I hadn't seen before. Then, what? Tell him never mind. Forget that happened.

It's not a happy moment so why would I take that 'box off my shelf'? To confront myself. To be open. To realize after so many years of hiding in the dark its ok to come out & share. It's normal to feel that hurt. It WASN'T my fault.

It ties in with one of those many New Year Goals I've set; Work on myself. But more importantly Work on my relationship with God. Quit asking why. Instead, put my hurt into his hands and have faith he'll heal me.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” Ephesians 6:10

Yep, I've lived, what i consider, a lifetime since then. I have 2 beautiful children & I'm doing this Parenting thing pretty dang good if ya ask me. I'm a work in progress but I'm not the worst. I know it'll still sting at times. It'll take time to 'fix' me emotionally but I'm getting on the train & not looking back.
I'm Handing Over My Hurt...


  1. Oh my goodness, bestfriendthatIlovedearly. I had no idea you were struggling with this. You are so strong and so brave and I am so sorry. This made me tear up, and at the end, of course you are doing this parenting thing well. Heck, you're one of THE VERY BEST mamas I've ever seen. I love you, and I hope you have an easier time handing God your hurt & with your journey in getting closer to Him. <3

  2. Hi Shawnna,

    I love your blog and the energy and humor you've put in your writing. Thanks for sharing. I have just starting blogging last night. If you have time please check it out @ ((: